"The struggle you're in today is developing the strength you need for tomorrow."

Law Degree | Week Three

I haven't written anything in a while so please bare with me on this post. I get the feeling that this will be a recurring plea in all of the posts to come. 

The third week of university has been nothing short of stress. The deluge of assignments started and my anxiety peaked to an all time high while sleep patterns dropped to the lowest of lows. However, I got through it and am now on board (although nearly at the point of slipping off again) with lectures. I need to remind myself that assignments and tests and all the events that'll contribute to a numerical rating of myself at the end of December have nothing to do with my ability (but if I get over 90% then oh hell I'm going to rejoice!) but everything to do with the business model behind universities.

I procrastinated this morning by reading the marking schedule for law (this isn't the first time) and was still at shock over the marking scheme. Every mark is accorded to a predetermined scale. How are we to feel that all our efforts will count when there is an external force being applied? Only 3% from 800+ people will be rewarded a mark over 90%. I used the calculator on my iPhone because it will always be a smart phone even when I feel nothing but stupid, and found that only 24 people will get an A+. Do you know how many students are aiming for an A+? Probably 50, and that's me underestimating since I'm sure, judging by the highlighted pages flipping in unison to the lecturer's slide, that there are more hopeful students. That's 50 people all working to get an A+, 50 people whose work may tick all the criteria necessary for an A+, yet only 24 will be rewarded their hard earned grade. How did universities evolve from a place that values intellectual conduct to an arena where highly stressed students compete to beat the scale? To quote something from my law book, a natural law theorist said that "an unjust law is not a law". Well, an unjust system is still a system except that it also happens to be corrupt.

That's my standpoint on grades and I know that I'm just preparing myself for the worst and trying to cushion the blow, but I just need to remember that my worth cannot be measured. 

Please remember,

Don't let the things that matter to you be diminished by the perceptive value people place on it. Be that religion, love or a your tattoo collection. I made myself understand that my values are different from others and vice versa, and as such, I forced myself to stop being too judgemental of others; she's too thin, he should get a hair cut, they're too affectionate in public, she's too loud - these observations are harsh, they're judgements based on a snapshot. Maybe the couple had just got back together or his tattoos reminds him of his late father's collection too. I would never know until I take the time to ask them, and when I do, I should never expect a response.

So, in knowing this, I do the things that I love without considering what that would look like through the lens of other people. I wear things that I feel comfortable with and eat without care. I understand that snapshots, pictures and things on instagram are just a moment in time. What matters is what the time amounts to. 

From the night before.

I dared to look him in the eyes.

He spoke and stared right back.

I didn't know I care about him, until he left. He was a man, both physically and mentally. He spoke of his career and he spoke of his family, he told me about his mum and he told me about his friends. He told me things I never asked to hear but am grateful for the things that he did share. 

Tired, baggy eyes.

Went to sleep at 4:30am. Woke up three hours later to go to my law lecture. What will this foreshadow?

Law Degree | Week Two

I forgot to write about week two on Friday so I'm writing this during week three. So here's a recap:

- I joined the squash team

- I joined the debating team but didn't go to the first meeting which was just an event to get drink. I sense many more of these to come. I'll write a post about why I'm vehemently opposed to drinking, or at least 'social' drinking.

- Jimmy and Eliza came over from Napier and I took them to the museum and their excitement rubbed off on me.

- I got 'sat on' while waiting for my lecture. Imagine Princess Diaries but the guy didn't sit on me, he was just very close. The corner of a bench is not the place for a grown male to rest his bum. He was polite enough to apologise for the spacial intrusion but remained seated anyhow. Invisible I felt.

In terms of law, I'm a bit behind at the moment but I can catch up. Rote learning is something I'm good at. The essays I would have to write in future are making me anxious. I'm not good at forming sentences and linking ideas.

I'm on the train writing this so that is it for week two. I'll leave this post with a picture of my little bro, Jimmy, during his visit. He's the absolute cutest!

                                 

Law Degree | Week One

I should start off by telling you what I'm studying, and that is a conjoint BSc/LLb. To preserve your time, I took the initiative of jotting the abbreviation and avoided the long, somewhat meaningless title. In short, I want to be a lawyer.

I should also declare that I am not in law school yet. The true test of being a lawyer is demonstrating honesty, so there it is. I'm not sure whether I'll make it into second year law; the final step that will cement my future. For now, I'm just focused on getting things right. And dropping out of the pharmacy degree was definitely a good start. In weeks to come, when I run out of things to say or my week went no where, I will write a lengthy post on how I got here and I hope to make it as inspirational as possible because in retrospect, I admire the courage, strength and faith that I had.

My first week back at university has been unpredictable. Here's a typical conversation:

Caffeine-induced-me: Hey, are you waiting for the anatomy and physiology lecture that I'm also waiting for, because that is why we're both sitting outside the lecture room ten minutes before the lecture starts?

Stranger: Yes

I'm already running out of things to say: That's cool. How are you finding it? I know we had the introduction lecture yesterday, but I would like you to start predicting what it would be like.

Stranger: It's good so far. What about you?

Huh, I wasn't prepared for this: I don't know since we only had the introduction lecture yesterday and I have this theory that being too optimistic on the second day might forebode a miserable outcome, but to be able to continue this conversation I would need to agree with you. It's not so bad, yet.

Stranger: What are you studying this year?

I seriously did not prepare this far into a conversation: I'm doing a conjoint degree with science and law. I don't know if you'll take the proceeding silence as a cue to tell me what you're doing, so I'll just ask. What about you?

Stranger: That's ambitious.

I guess, if you're taking one paper: So you're taking this paper? Anything else?

Stranger: I'm doing psychology, biomedical science, neuroscience, doing some general papers and I need to mention the papers I'm doing just for interest like classical studies, latin language, chinese..

I zoned out again!: Oh, that's ambitious.

Stranger: Yeah, I want to be a biotec......

Me: LOOK! LECTURER!

And I also got a job working at an airport! I'm very proud because it was the only job I applied for and I had the ego to believe I would get it. And I did. They even altered the induction training to suit my university schedule. How flexible! I start my first shift tonight. Here's a picture of me in uniform: